At an event on the weekend I met a woman who apologised for asking me personal questions.
She explained that she doesn’t like small talk.
I couldn’t agree more.
Where are you from? What do you do for work?
Two questions in and nobody has anything left to say.
Ask something real and you get actual insight into a person.
This week, real conversations seem to be everywhere.
Since Sam Wood was charged with domestic violence offences, there has been a flood of media coverage, and so many conversations have opened up.
And it isn’t only women.
I have many male friends, good men, who have carried heavy loads of their own.
I recently bumped into an old girlfriend I’d suspected might be going through a difficult time.
She gave me a tiny bit of insight, enough to confirm my instinct to reach out had been right, and then I could tell she didn’t want to say much more.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation, I told her.
If you want to keep it private, that’s completely fine.
Hiding away because you’re embarrassed is something else.
In a world where everyone overshares, why do we still feel ashamed when life gets hard?
What makes it worse is that it’s so often the victims who carry that shame, and carry it alone.
So many of us have done it.
Caught up in a relationship, you tell yourself every couple has their issues, no-one is perfect, maybe you just need to try harder.
When you’re attached, you make excuses for the red flags.
When you’re ashamed, you hide the behaviour.
No wonder people stay quiet.
Imagine finally summoning the courage to tell your family the truth, only to be met with, “You’re not going to tell people about this, are you?”
That response is a huge part of the problem.
If your friends are more concerned with image than wellbeing, get some new friends.
If you can’t choose your family’s welfare and safety over what other people might say, check yourself.
If your husband has gambled away your life savings, or your wife has abandoned your family, that is not your shame to carry.
If you have been abused, it is not your shame to carry.
If someone has made you feel it was your fault, I want you to hear: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
The shame is on the parent who abandons their family.
The shame is on the person who commits abuse.
The shame is on those who make others keep quiet.
That’s where the shame lies.
If this column has stirred something for you, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) and MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78 are there around the clock.
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